The minutes turned into days and the days have turned into weeks and now into months since the day my sweet O came into this world. Every day was filled with more emotions and thoughts than I could ever explain. Every time I looked into that sweet face, all I could see was the Down Syndrome. One microscopic thing that changed who I was and made this child of mine seem like a total stranger to me. I found it extremely hard to bond with her or to even care about her. I would never neglect a child, but the emotion wasn't there like it was for my first child and I felt so guilty for that. So day after day I would go through the motions of taking care of this child and wondering if and when I would be able to see her. There would be momentary glimpses of what that felt like but they never lasted long. Every time I would look at her or watch her do something cute and adorable, all I could think was what it meant in the grand scheme of her DS plagued life.
And then it came, the day where I could finally look at my beautiful little girl and acutally enjoy the adorable faces she would make without any DS thoughts. And now I know that her life is not plagued by DS, it is just something that makes her who she is. And I am finally able to love her for who she is and forget about that little extra something she has. It is and always will be in the back of my mind because it will always drive what we do with her throughout her life, but it will never again be the first thing I see. I have the most beautiful, amazing little baby, and I am so glad that I can finally see that. I can finally just sit and enjoy watching her sleep without a trillion DS thoughts running through my mind. One of the things I enjoyed most about the newborn stage with E was just watching her sleep but I could never enjoy that with O until now. I am so happy to finally be at this place, but the guilt for not getting here sooner is still haunting me. So I must work on getting rid of the guilt I have for robbing her of her mommy for too many days. And I also have to work on the thought that life should be "fair" cause it sure isn't by any stretch of the means!!!
6 comments:
I am so impressed with your strength and courage. I'm sure O knows she is loved and cherished. Do not feel guilty for needing the time to adjust to this change in your life; be grateful that the adjustment came! O and E are lucky to have you.
Yep, it sucks to feel like the first fews months of your very much wanted baby's life were basically stolen from you both. It is VERY unsettling to feel like this baby is not yours.
I am just getting to the point where I feel like my daughter IS my daughter and a part of our family. The first few months I almost didn't know what to do with her, it was weird, and depressing.
It gets better when the smiles and coos come. Now I look into her eyes and honestly see her soul and beauty and not just the DS. I am getting closer to accepting that it is OK to live one day at a time and just enjoy the moment.
I have seen pictures of O (on downsyn) and she really is a georgious baby!
Emily- mom to Macy (T21)
hamula.blogspot.com
It sounds to me like you are doing just fine - you are handling a tough road - but finding your feet as you are slowly starting to take in some of the scenary ... like your gorgeous baby ... Guilt in this situation is a waste of time. We are all different and can only do the best we can. Be gentle on yourself. Peace.
very glad to hear. You really have come a long long way in these last two months and everyone around you is so proud of you.
WOW! What a great feeling isn't it?! Thanks for sharing and being so honest about your journey...you are one strong mommy!
I wish I could go back to the first few weeks, sometimes. When Braska was in the hospital for 3 1/2 weeks and I spent most of that time at home because I just couldn't deal with the whole package of diagnoses and feeding problems and hospital setting. I recovered and came to reality by the third week. I wish I could go back, as the strong person I have since become, and spend all day with her in the NICU working with her on feeding. I'll forever wonder if it would have made "the difference," but I can't go back now.
I'm just so very grateful that it only took a couple weeks, many have much longer struggles... but it's also nice to hear that I'm not the only one that didn't hear the news and nonchalantly go, "Hmmm, ok, what's so bad about that?" That just wasn't me.
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