My baby girl O, today you turn 3 and I dont even know where to start to explain how blessed I feel to be your mother. Every day you inspire me and make me feel whole in ways I never knew were possible. You are my light and my inspiration. Watching you grow and learn over these past few years, blowing stereotype after stereotype away, has made me so very proud. I love you more than you could ever know and can't wait to see you continue to show the world what you can do. I love you, my little butterfly!

Today is a celebration of O's life and the amazing things she has done and the stereotypes she continues to blow away. She is beyond a rock star and I love that I get to watch her grow and shock people on a daily basis. Tomorrow we will celebrate the 3 year anniversary of the diagnosis and how far we have come. the fact that the 2 can now be separated is an enormous deal. If you've been through it, or you are going through it, you know what I mean. ;)

She is 99% potty trained, speaking in 2-3 word phrases, climbing stairs just holding the railing, etc. These things may be no big deal to other parents, but it is a HUGE deal to me. O is truly an amazing kid and I love watching her grow.

My little butterfly, happy birthday. i love you whole big bunches, forever and ever.

Expecting...

So, I have been having a lot of thoughts these days around expectations. Am I expecting too much of people in my life? Is it asking too much to have someone be happy for you, just because you are happy? Is it too much to ask for someone to support you in your bad times, instead of kicking you when you are down? I have, unfortunately, had a lot of experience with the expectations of loved ones being far from met. Is it too much to ask the people who are supposed to love you, support you? no matter how they may feel? I dont think so, but I am starting to wonder if I am really wrong. I am starting to wonder if the "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" missed the mark on quite a few people in my life. When you are happy about something, they should be happy for you, right? When you are upset, they shouldnt say and do things to make it worse, right? Or am I totally wrong? I am really not sure these days. Where did I go wrong? Maybe I should join the ranks of these people and do these same things, but then how would I look myself in the mirror or be able to lay my head down at night? I just dont know, but the crushing of expectations is really wearing me down.

Limbo

patience is not a virtue of mine. and let me tell you, it has be TESTED to the maximum this last year or so. i have been patiently waiting around for the hubby to decide he is ready to have enough faith in us to have another baby. he is hung up on all of the what ifs, and allowing his fears and anxiety rule his life. the fear of having another child with a disability is suffocating him. numerous times over the last year and a half, he has decided he is ready to try. and each one of those times, he has backed out on me at the last minute. needless to say the emotional rollercoaster has taken a huge toll on me. i have gone back and forth between the verge of a breakdown and being ok with everything. lately the breakdown seems much closer to reality than it ever has been. we are on the last month of my extended "window" where i ideally want to have another child. i have my list of criteria that has been bent, twisted, seriously modified, in order to go with the flow of his processing. however, i am emotionally done. i dont know how many more months of having my hopes destroyed I can handle. yes, in theory, not getting my hopes up would work. but, in reality, that just isnt possible. i dont function that way. along with patience, this is not a virtue i posses. so, here we are, a few days before Oing, on the last month I really "want" to get pregnant, and i am trying to keep it together. wish me luck. i have a feeling it isnt going to go very well. wishing, hoping, and praying for a revalation for my husband to save my sanity.

Happy 4th Birthday E!!!

I havent been on here in FOREVER to update on anything. I just happened to see my blog address in my favorites and realized how long it has been! Not to mention it is my big girl's birthday today, so what better excuse to write a little.

Today my crazy redhead turns 4, I can't even believe she is 4!!! How in the world did that happen? Where did all that time go? She is the sweetest child with a sassy attitude (yes that is possible). When all the kids are together, she is the "mom" always making sure everyone is ok and taken care of. it is too cute!!! E is the most independent child i know, always wants to do everything herself and her way. Look out if you think it should be done another way. She is beyond headstrong and it is next to impossible to change her mind. Although that can be VERY frustrating at times for her mommy and daddy, I know the strong will she has will serve her well in her life. She never gives up and fights until she figures things out. E is really smart and creative too. She can count to 40, can write her name really well, and loves to play pretend. We started her in dance class a few months ago and she is such a performer. At home she loves to stand on the fireplace and tell stories, sing songs, and show off her dance moves. She is such a pint sized personality. Every day with her is definitely an adventure and I love every second of it, well maybe not "love" during the meltdowns. he he. I look forward to many more years watching her grow and change into an amazing person.

E,
I adore you, I am so very proud of you, and I love you whole big bunches, forever and ever!!!!