The green eyed monster that is. Two coworkers just had perfectly "typical" babies and it makes me so angry, frustrated, jealous, upset, guilty, etc. I get so angry that yet another set of parents gets to have that instant joy and hope that comes with having a typical baby and they don't have to deal with any of the daily struggles I do. It makes me angry and very jealous that I can't just enjoy my child like they do. I have to constantly worry about how to fit in therapy and teaching moments into every second of O's life and sometimes I really resent that. I resent that I can't just play with her with no ulterior motives. I hate that I have to constantly evaluate where she is, how she is doing, and if I am doing enough as her parent. I have to struggle with wanting to do what is best for her vs. allowing her to have a typical childhood. I have to fight and lie my way into getting her the therapies she deserves. I have to keep in the back of my mind all of the possibilities of medical issues that could happen with her. All of these things I resent from time to time, especially when I see someone else experiencing what I want. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, a horrible mom, etc. but that is just how I feel at this moment. Sad, frustrated, angry, and jealous...very jealous. Do these feelings ever go away? Will I ever stop wishing to have someone I know go through what I go through so I have someone to share these things with? Will I ever stop resenting people that "get to have" typical kids that don't appreciate what they have? Will I ever stop looking at every detail of a new baby picture hoping and searching for a sign of DS? I really hope so, cuz this sucks. I really do want to be happy for people and I try my best, but I am just struggling these days.
I do try my best to put it into perspective and realize all of the things that I get that they will miss out on. But, with O struggling to keep up and the delays getting bigger and bigger, I am having a hard time staying positive and keeping things in perspective. I know it could be worse, but I also know it could be "better". Maybe it is just the timing of O's recent evaluations and the need for more therapy at home that I just dont "want" to do right now that is making things worse. Who knows, I just don't like being in this place. I want to be happy with where O is, independent of other kids, when will I get there? When will all of these feelings stop flooding in when someone has a baby?
Ok, pity party/vent over! :)
I guess today is just one of those days