My Secret Wish

Ok, first I have to start off by telling everyone that I feel EXTREMELY guilty for having this wish but it comes from a good place, I promise!

My secret wish is...that a major celebrity will have a child with Down Syndrome.

Once you have stopped gasping at the horror of my statement let me explain. I keep seeing things all over the place about Jenny McCarthy and her son with Autism and I keep thinking
"OMG how great would it be for DS to get that kind of exposure and help with awareness?" I really am coming from a good place on this, I want as many people as possible to understand DS so it can help with the discrimination and ignorance surrounding this disorder. What better way to do that than to have a celebrity as an advocate? A non-famous person like you or I can only do so much.

This is also coming from the recent lack of coverage on a fantastic feat by someone with DS. Karen Gaffney swam across Lake Tahoe, a 12 mile swim, in 6 hours! That is amazing and I have yet to see any national news program cover it. That to me is WRONG!!! She deserves a friggin parade as far as I am concerned!

Ok, vent/confession over.

Our first Buddy Walk

So, we had our first Buddy Walk for Down Syndrome awareness this weekend. I had a really hard day but I made it through. I was very nervous the day before and morning of because I was scared what I was going to see. I was afraid how real it was going to be and how I can't ingore it anymore. I was very happy that I was going to be surrounded by family to help me through the day, but it didnt turn out that way. My mom & dad, MIL & FIL, Grandma-in-law, Aunt-in-law, sister & nephews, and husband were all there with me, but I might as well been alone.

I expressed my fear to my husband the day before and the morning of but he was too busy going around talking to everyone else and never bothered to make sure I was doing ok. He has always been self absorbed so I dont know why I expected any different. The next worst thing was that my sister was over an hour late getting there. Granted, she by her shear dumb luck, managed to show up just in time to join us for the walk. She is always late but it really upset me this time around. This was something that was very important to me and I needed her there, but she too is very self absorbed and couldnt be bothered with thinking about being there for me. And of course my dad defended her as he always does which further ticked me off. I just feel that it is very disrespectful to be late for something that is very important to someone you love. Is that bad? Now my mom is one of the greatest women I know and I fully expected her to be there for me but she was too busy following my dad around to make sure she didnt get in trouble. My dad is like a 2 year old and cant sit still so he kept wandering off and he is very controlling so if my mom wasnt with him he would have thrown a hissy fit. My IL family was off doing their own thing also.

So, there I was, on one of the hardest days of my life, all alone yet again. Having to take care of myself and my 2 children while everyone else took care of themselves. Is it horrible of me to have wanted and/or expected people to be there for me? I even at one point said to my mom that I was having a tough day. I had to make an excuse to go to my car just so I could cry the whole way there and back. I just feel like I am all alone most of the time on this and it is getting really upsetting and frustrating. When am I ever going to have the emotional support I need from my husband and the people I love? I almost feel like they dont think I am allowed to have bad days. I guess I just have to get used to dealing with everything on my own.

I give!!!

Ok, so daddy wasn't on board with the whole giving up the nuk thing for E so we bailed. There is no sense me fighting him and her over the issue. However she did do great for the one nap she had to go without it. About 15 min or so of her screaming until she gave in and went to sleep. Bedtime was a whole other story. Keep in mind that both girls were total brats all day long so mommy was VERY burnt out. Now the cherry on top was listening to E scream for mommy because she was upset to not have her nunnie (as she calls it). Of course M was getting mad at me because he can't stand listening to her cry/scream and he thinks she is too young to give up the nuk. This coming from the man that wanted to let her CIO when she was 3 months old!!!! I stood firm that she needed to give it up until about 30 min of the screaming. I was already extremely frazzled so I gave in. She won yet again! As soon as I gave her nuk back, she was out cold. Poor kid!!!

Maybe we will try again after the 2 year molars have come in. I just feel horrible taking her comfort source away from her when she is in so much pain with the molars coming in. How do I know my 20 month old is getting her 2 year molars you may ask? Well, first of all she has gotten all of her teeth way ahead of schedule so that made the drooling and finger chewing make sense. Not to mention that my sweet little girl turns in to a royal biach when she is teething. Once those puppies break through, my angel will be back again so get a move on already!!!! Teething tablets have been my saving grace!!! Thanks Momsmoo for recommending them!!!

Interview Me

Momsmoo posted this nifty little interview meme and since it makes for an easy entry... here goes.The rules: Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.” I will respond by emailing you or leaving a comment with five questions. I get to pick the questions. If you don’t have a valid email address on your blog, please provide one. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1) What keeps you up at night?

• Worrying about O's future and what her life will be like
• Worrying about my marriage and if it can withstand everything we have gone through and will go through
• Worrying about what the Buddy Walk will be like and if I will be able to handle being around all of those kids with DS without having a breakdown
• Any and all noises
• My mind racing a million miles about anything and everything

2) You have to redo your wedding top to bottom. Give me 5 things you would change.

• I would not have made my sister share MOH duties with someone who didnt even come close to deserving it
• Letting non-deserving MOH's bratty daughter be my flower girl
• Not finding the time to visit my grandfather in the hospital since he couldnt make it to the wedding

3) I want to be a surrogate... talk me into or out of it.

A mixed bag here, some on both sides...

Remember how much you and B HATED you being pregnant and just imagine carrying a child for 9 months and having to give it up. But...Imagine the look on someone's face when you give them the gift of a child of their own.

4) Remember back to when you didn't have kids... What were some of the things you said you would never do that you have now changed your mind on.
I said I would never let my kids CIO but now know it is the only way my stubborn E will give in. I also hated those moms in the grocery store with the bratty kids throwing temper tantrums, now I feel for them because I know that no matter what a good parent you try to be your child has a mind of their own and at that age, there ain't nothin you can do about it!!

5) Change one thing about me and yourself. What is it and why?
One thing I would change about both of us is our perfectionism. Why? Because it drives both of us and both our hubbies nuts at times.

Thank you!

Thank you very much to all of you that commented on my original post. It means a lot to have supportive people around us letting us know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Things are going much better recently. M is now on Zoloft for the depression which his Dr calls situational depression. He is handling things much better now even though he still considers giving her away.

I am doing better but still struggling with how to deal with the fact that the man I love wants to give up our child. I can't imagine ever giving up my child. Even though I think about the future and it scares the crap out of me because I have no idea how I am going to do it, I would never give away my child. Hopefully we can get past this horrible stage soon.

Bye Bye Nunnies!

So the torture has started, we have decided to take our 20 month old, E, off her nunnies (nuks). She only gets them at naptime, bedtime, and when she isn't feeling well. It is starting to mess up her teeth so we have decided it is time to get rid of them. Plus I am still home on maternity leave so I can at least nap during the daytime if she gives us a horrible night.

So E and I gathered them up, talked about how the babies need them now and that we were going to send her nunnies to the babies. She carried them out to the mailbox and helped me put them inside and put up the flag (I made sure the mailman had already come for the day) and came back inside. Naptime is soon so hopefully it goes well!!!

Wish us luck!!!

Why our world is upside down...

I would like to explain why my world is upside down. But first, let me explain my life this far.

I grew up with extremely strict parents so I was very excited to go away to college. I didn't go far away, but far enough to escape their grasp. I partied my butt off for the first year but not enough to get into too much trouble. I played volleyball in high school and in college so that helped keep me on track. I graduated college and moved to where I got my first job which happened to be where my sister lived also. I fell in love with a co-worker and we got married in Sept '03. We had our first daughter E in Jan '06. We got pregnant in November '06 and found out shortly after that we were expecting another little girl. So our lives were great! We had a beautiful home, a loving relationship, an adorable little girl, and a second one on the way.

2 weeks before my due date I started having contractions but they kept fizzling out. The next day they kicked in and kept on going. Our beautiful baby girl, O was born at 9:32 pm that evening. We were so excited to have a second, healthy baby girl. The hospital was so full that we ended up having to share a room that night with another woman and her baby. It wasn't so bad. The next morning my parents got there with E so she could meet her sister. It was very cute even though we aren't sure E understood what was going on. While everyone was there, the Pediatrician came in to check out O and give us her clean bill of health. Why should we expect anything different? I was only 29 and M (hubby) was only 30 and our integrated screen had come back negative for everything. We were given 1:5,200 chance for Down Syndrome, 1:7,000 chance for spina bifida, and a 1:10,000 chance for Trisomy 3. So when the words "I think your daughter has Down Syndrome" came out of his mouth, our world was turned upside down. It was the biggest shock of our lives and 5 1/2 weeks later we are still struggling every day.

M and I didn't want her, we wanted to give her back, put her up for adoption, or just leave her at the hospital. We had always said that we would never be able to be good parents to a child with special needs and in the severe depression that followed the news, we were sure she would be better off elsewhere. Our parents were a great support system in those dark days and still are. Our friends and extended family are also a tremendous help. My best friend is the ultimate researcher and immediately started finding out all sorts of stuff for us. M and I had never had any kind of interaction with anyone with DS so the pictures flooding our minds were not the greatest. The 2 weeks after we brought her home our moms took turns staying with us and helping us out since we were both in a tremendous fog. Each day seems to be getting better for me even though I have those tough days. I worry and wonder what kind of life she will have and I hope only the best for her. No one wants to see their child suffer, struggle, or be made fun of.

M is having a much harder time dealing with this than I am and I must say it is really wearing me down. I have a history of depression and although my case this time around is pretty mild, I can't seem to deal with M being so depressed. My last severe bout of depression was when we were dating and it didn't impact anyone but me. I lived alone in an apartment so if the place was a mess or not clean, no one had to deal with it but me. I am not allowing myself to get into that severe of a depression this time because our children, our home, my husband, etc. needs to be taken care of and M isn't going to be doing it. I can't handle having to be the only one to take care of everything on top of having a newborn that is breastfeeding. Some days I just want to smack the sh!t out of him so he snaps out of it but I know that won't help.

So, in a few short words, our lives were turned upside down and have yet to flip rightside up again.

Sorry this first post is such a downer, I just wanted to explain where my not-so-creative blog name came from. More upbeat posts to come I promise!!!