Loss

So, when you lose something, it is supposed to be the worst thing that happened to you, right? Well, I have experienced loss and I can't say that it was all that bad in the long run. When it happens, it is like ripping a band aid off. There is pain, there are tears, there is the thought that it can't ever get better. But, then things are fine. And most of the time things are better than fine.
The last few days I have been reflecting on a lot. With the completion of my first real Buddy Walk I have realized that the loss of the baby I thought I was having last year was a loss that gave way to a new life. And a wonderful life at that. I have met so many amazing people and friends and have found a new purpose for my life. I enjoy advocating for O even though it can be incredibly hard and emotional at times. It makes me appreciate my family and my true friends more than words. It has made me realize who those true friends are. The ones that stood by me, helping me instead of analyzing my every move. The ones that are still with me today, supporting me on a very important day.
These thoughts bring me to another significant loss. And that is the loss of the person I thought was my best friend. Someone that I thought knew me better than anyone, even M and my family. Someone I thought of as my long lost sister. Someone, as it turns out, doesn't know me at all. Things that I said, or didn't say; things that I did, or didn't do; and every action was scrutinized and held against me in the worst way possible. The pain of realizing that the person who is supposed to know you best, doesn't know you at all is much worse than the ripping off of a band-aid and will leave scars for a long time. The person that you love like family, telling you that they think you are a horrible, unsupportive friend ~ because during the deep depression that followed your child's diagnosis, you weren't there for her and her son's diagnosis; that you compete to prove that your life is "worse" on a daily basis ~ when all you were trying to do was make her feel better and not so alone because you can understand; that you are a liar ~ because you exaggerate the truth. I am not a horrible friend, I am a very good friend. I am not a competitive person, one of my favorite sayings reflects this..."A child is like a butterfly. Some can fly higher than others. But each one flies the best it can. Why compare one against the other? Each one is different. Each one is special. Each one is beautiful." And I am certainly not a liar, a drama queen - absolutely, but not a liar. So, she can continue to think these things of me and not feel bad about losing an 18 year long friendship. I deserve better friends than what this person thinks of me. And that loss, although extremely painful, will heal one day and I will be better for it. And the loss of that friendship has made me feel free to make new friends. I almost had too much loyalty to that one friend that I felt guilty being too good of friends with other people I met. But, no more. I have met people that I know will be great friends and I am no longer "afraid" to embrace them.
So again, a profound loss, comes with another open door. I guess it is true that when one door closes, another opens.