Here I sit, still waiting patiently for that magic day everyone keeps talking about. The day where I am finally ok with the DS and the thought of having another child with DS no longer scares the crap out of me. Everyone says that I will get there, but I am starting to question it. Shouldn't I be there by now? I love O more than anything (well not more than hubby or E) but I honestly don't feel like I will ever be ok with the DS. I think about all of the things E was doing at 9 months and all of the things O could be doing right now and it is so upsetting. I know she will get there in her own time, but it is frustrating that she has to struggle so much. I guess the one saving grace is that O has no idea what she is missing out on, it is just her mommy that can't seem to get over it. I keep hearing that these feelings are normal and will go away but I have a hard time believing that. All the people I "know" that have kids with DS say they would have many more with DS but that thought makes me not want to try for more kids. So of course I feel like a failure as a mother for feeling that. I keep waiting for the day that the fears and hate of DS go away, but they are no where in sight right now.
I guess I really need to learn some patience and have faith that it will come one day. I am just a planner by nature and it bugs me that I don't know if I will have more kids or not and I don't know how I will deal with O's challenges in the future. Some days I feel like I am a great mother to my girls, but days like today I feel like a total failure to them.
3 comments:
I think it took me about a year to be all OK with it.
I love my son more than life itself, but I am not sos ure I would like to have MORE kids with DS. He is my first one, and some day I want to have more kids.
I think all it takes is time. REally. Sucks for advice, but that is just the way it seems. I kept thinking - when I got all the positive vibes from moms with kids w DS - 'You guys have no clue what I Feel like, you are different than me, but I feel this way. Then somehow, I became one of them :-)
I guess part of the issue is that you get a diagnosis on a paper early on and you then try to figure it all out before hand. We would never do it if it was not for that paper showing an extra chromosome. So we are all focused on dead lines and should haves instead of what is.
My son will turn 2 on Monday. I am all Ok with the DS thing now (i think - i still have bad days too). But mainly, I am just so incredibly proud of him that I almost burst into pieces.
Just like you seem two be of your little ones.
Take Care!
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I am glad you are writing these things. I can't tell you when or if you will ever be OK with Ds. So glad to find your blog. We could all do with more realness and I think you are real in your writing. O is as cute as ever.
I totally get how you feel. I'm not so sure that I ever be totally OK with Macy having DS either. In some ways it is even harder to deal with now that I know her better. It's not as much "poor me having to raise a child with DS" now my heart aches even more for my girl. I feel so bad that her life is challenged from the beginning complete with societal discrimination and that I won't always be able to protect her hurt. I know in my head that it is nobodies fault but I still feel like I let her down.
I think about future children everyday and how scared I am that something will happen to them (and even my 2 typical kids). But I can't imagine ending my family just yet, especially with all we have been through this past year.
So just know that you are not alone in your feelings. Hugs to you and beautiful little O!
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