My baby girl O, today you turn 3 and I dont even know where to start to explain how blessed I feel to be your mother. Every day you inspire me and make me feel whole in ways I never knew were possible. You are my light and my inspiration. Watching you grow and learn over these past few years, blowing stereotype after stereotype away, has made me so very proud. I love you more than you could ever know and can't wait to see you continue to show the world what you can do. I love you, my little butterfly!

Today is a celebration of O's life and the amazing things she has done and the stereotypes she continues to blow away. She is beyond a rock star and I love that I get to watch her grow and shock people on a daily basis. Tomorrow we will celebrate the 3 year anniversary of the diagnosis and how far we have come. the fact that the 2 can now be separated is an enormous deal. If you've been through it, or you are going through it, you know what I mean. ;)

She is 99% potty trained, speaking in 2-3 word phrases, climbing stairs just holding the railing, etc. These things may be no big deal to other parents, but it is a HUGE deal to me. O is truly an amazing kid and I love watching her grow.

My little butterfly, happy birthday. i love you whole big bunches, forever and ever.

Expecting...

So, I have been having a lot of thoughts these days around expectations. Am I expecting too much of people in my life? Is it asking too much to have someone be happy for you, just because you are happy? Is it too much to ask for someone to support you in your bad times, instead of kicking you when you are down? I have, unfortunately, had a lot of experience with the expectations of loved ones being far from met. Is it too much to ask the people who are supposed to love you, support you? no matter how they may feel? I dont think so, but I am starting to wonder if I am really wrong. I am starting to wonder if the "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" missed the mark on quite a few people in my life. When you are happy about something, they should be happy for you, right? When you are upset, they shouldnt say and do things to make it worse, right? Or am I totally wrong? I am really not sure these days. Where did I go wrong? Maybe I should join the ranks of these people and do these same things, but then how would I look myself in the mirror or be able to lay my head down at night? I just dont know, but the crushing of expectations is really wearing me down.

Limbo

patience is not a virtue of mine. and let me tell you, it has be TESTED to the maximum this last year or so. i have been patiently waiting around for the hubby to decide he is ready to have enough faith in us to have another baby. he is hung up on all of the what ifs, and allowing his fears and anxiety rule his life. the fear of having another child with a disability is suffocating him. numerous times over the last year and a half, he has decided he is ready to try. and each one of those times, he has backed out on me at the last minute. needless to say the emotional rollercoaster has taken a huge toll on me. i have gone back and forth between the verge of a breakdown and being ok with everything. lately the breakdown seems much closer to reality than it ever has been. we are on the last month of my extended "window" where i ideally want to have another child. i have my list of criteria that has been bent, twisted, seriously modified, in order to go with the flow of his processing. however, i am emotionally done. i dont know how many more months of having my hopes destroyed I can handle. yes, in theory, not getting my hopes up would work. but, in reality, that just isnt possible. i dont function that way. along with patience, this is not a virtue i posses. so, here we are, a few days before Oing, on the last month I really "want" to get pregnant, and i am trying to keep it together. wish me luck. i have a feeling it isnt going to go very well. wishing, hoping, and praying for a revalation for my husband to save my sanity.

Happy 4th Birthday E!!!

I havent been on here in FOREVER to update on anything. I just happened to see my blog address in my favorites and realized how long it has been! Not to mention it is my big girl's birthday today, so what better excuse to write a little.

Today my crazy redhead turns 4, I can't even believe she is 4!!! How in the world did that happen? Where did all that time go? She is the sweetest child with a sassy attitude (yes that is possible). When all the kids are together, she is the "mom" always making sure everyone is ok and taken care of. it is too cute!!! E is the most independent child i know, always wants to do everything herself and her way. Look out if you think it should be done another way. She is beyond headstrong and it is next to impossible to change her mind. Although that can be VERY frustrating at times for her mommy and daddy, I know the strong will she has will serve her well in her life. She never gives up and fights until she figures things out. E is really smart and creative too. She can count to 40, can write her name really well, and loves to play pretend. We started her in dance class a few months ago and she is such a performer. At home she loves to stand on the fireplace and tell stories, sing songs, and show off her dance moves. She is such a pint sized personality. Every day with her is definitely an adventure and I love every second of it, well maybe not "love" during the meltdowns. he he. I look forward to many more years watching her grow and change into an amazing person.

E,
I adore you, I am so very proud of you, and I love you whole big bunches, forever and ever!!!!

Happy belated 1/2 b-day E!

My big girl officially turned 3 1/2 on July 4th and I can't even stand it. To celebrate, we went to fireworks. Can you imagine they did fireworks just for her half birthday? Oh wait, it is the birthday of the USA, so I guess that is a good enough reason too. LOL
Anyway, both girls were up until 11 and were incredible troopers. It was their first real fireworks display and they both LOVED it. And I loved that they loved it.
So, Happy Half Birthday E! You amaze me every day with your imagination, creativity, sassitude, and kindness. You are an amazing little, ok sorry, big girl and Mommy loves you whole big bunches, forever and ever!!!

Bittersweet day

Today is one of those days full of emotions where I just have to get it all down on paper (or into cyberspace at least).

O will be turning 2 in 25 days and I can't even believe it. how did the time go by so quickly? And she progressed at a slower rate than E did, but it still flew by. Unreal!

Anyway, onto the real topic of the post, why today is so bittersweet. O goes to a phenomenal daycare and they have certain guidelines for kids to progress from one room to another and even within groups in the rooms. O is currently in the Pre-toddler room for kids from 1-2 years. they typically move kids between rooms according to age, since skill set is usually right there with the age. Some of their requirements to move to the Toddler room (2-3 years) are...

• walk up and down stairs holding one hand
• walk all the time, no crawling
• be able to self-serve and self-feed with utensils
• drink from a take & toss type cup (no valve to spout)
• eat at a regular table, in a regular chair
• follow direction

Sounds easy, right? Well, when we heard this list about 6 weeks ago, we *knew* there was NO WAY O would be ready in time to move up with her peers. It hit like a ton of bricks that this will be her first "delay" with keeping up with her peers and that was a really hard pill to swallow. So, I went into "pitty me" mode for a day or so and then realized that sitting around moping wasn't going to get her anywhere. So, I started to harass the therapists and explain to them what our goals were for the next 6 weeks. They agreed that they were very aggressive goals, but helped us push her anyway. We worked on the stairs a lot, went and bought a table and chair set to help her get used to that, insisted that she use her utensils for dinner, only give her take & toss cups, etc.

And now, here I sit, reflecting on the last 6 weeks and realizing that my kid is a ROCK STAR!! She is doing all of that (in her own way of course) and more! Stairs are still a bit wobbly, but she is doing it! She totally "gets it", she is just having trouble with the fact that she is a mini-short-stack and the steps come up to her knees! Imagine climbing up and down steps as high as your knee...yeah she kicks arse! the leaps and bounds we have watched her progress in the last 6 weeks and I couldn't be more proud. But, I am also feeling very guilty for not believing in her as much as I should have. I struggle with getting my hopes up and being upset when she doesnt do what I think she should. So, I am at the other extreme where I completley underestimate her and that isn't good either.

So, yes, today is bittersweet because my baby girl is moving up to the next room at daycare right on schedule (a few weeks early even) but that means she really isnt a baby anymore. =(

BUT...
I COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD TO BE HER MOMMY RIGHT NOW!!!!! She has taught me so many things about life and how we should live it, I just need to listen more often!!!

SPREAD THE WORD TO END THE WORD 3.31.09

Please join me in this wonderful event...

Here is the link to where you can find out more information. I also pasted a lot of the info below.
http://www.specialolympics.org/stw_resources.aspx

More information…
WHAT
Spread the Word to End the Word is a National Awareness Day to raise the consciousness of societyabout the dehumanizing and hurtful effects of the word "retard(ed)" and encourage people to pledge to stop using the R-word.
The campaign will build up to 3.31.09, a day where young people across the country will rally their schools and communities to pledge their support at www.r-word.org.
WHEN
On 3.31.09, young people will Spread the Word throughout their communities and schools encourage people to take a pledge to stop saying the R-word on www.r-word.org. Activities will occur throughout the month of March.
WHO
The effort is spearheaded by college students, Soeren Palumbo (Notre Dame 2011) and Tim Shriver (Yale 2011), and led by young people and Special Olympics athletes across the country.
Celebrity activist John C. McGinley of the hit show "Scrubs" is a spokesperson for the campaign.
WHY
Respectful and inclusive language is essential to the movement for the dignity and humanity of people with intellectual disabilities. However, much of society does not recognize the hurtful, dehumanizing and exclusive effects of the word "retard(ed)."
It is time to address the minority slur "retard" and raise the consciousness of society to its hurtful effects.
HOW
Visit www.r-word.org to learn how you can Spread the Word to End the Word.

EVENT AND ACTIVATION IDEAS
This National Campaign will rely on grass-roots activities for the most impact. Here are ideas on how you can participate locally in Spread the Word to End the Word.
1. Hold a local pledge event at school or in your community. Set up a laptop to encourage people to sign the www.r-word.org pledge page on the spot. Invite local Special Olympics athlete Global
Messengers to speak at an assembly.
2. Work with local sports teams to participate in a halftime event to promote Spread the Word to
End the Word.
3. Spread the word
• Use sample leaflets and talking points
• Hang posters
• Stickers
• Send e-mails
• Text / call your family and friends
• Use your social network such as: "Facebook", "MySpace", "Linked In"
• Send an Evite to friends to take the pledge and Spread the Word
4. Print and distribute leaflets throughout your community.
5. Notify the press. Call local radio shows and write letters to the editor of your local newspaper
using the samples provided in this kit.
6. Post a comment to an online social message board sharing your thoughts about the R-word and its abuse in our society.
7. Create a video speaking out against the use of the R-word to post on YouTube. Share the link
with your friends and family.
8. Post your event’s time and location in the community events section of your hometown
newspaper or in your school newspaper or Web site..

KEY MESSAGES AND TALKING POINTS
It is time we SPREAD THE WORD TO END THE WORD and this March 31 is a national day of
awareness for America to stop and think about their use of the R-word. That R-word is not "recession," but something more hurtful and painful – "retard." Most people don’t think of this word as hate speech, but that’s exactly what it feels like to millions of people with intellectual disabilities, their families and friends.
This word is just as cruel and offensive as any other slur. Visit www.r-word.org to make your pledge today.
• Young people around the country are taking a stand and raising awareness of the dehumanizing
and hurtful effects of the words "retard" or "retarded" and are helping encourage Americans to
think before they speak.
• On March 31, visit www.r-word.org and make your pledge to not use the R-word. Our goal is to
get 100,000 pledges.
• We ask that you help us "Change the conversation" to help eliminate the demeaning use of the Rword from today’s popular youth vernacular and replace it with "respect." We are asking for your help in creating a more accepting world for people with intellectual disabilities and all those
people that may appear different, but have unique gifts and talents to share with the world.
• We’re asking every person - young and old - to help eliminate the demeaning use of the R-word (retard) –a common taunt used to make fun of others. Often unwittingly, the word is used to denote behavior that is clumsy, hapless, and even hopeless. But whether intentional or not, the word conjures up a painful stereotype of people with intellectual disabilities. It hurts. Even if you don’t mean it that way.
• People with intellectual disabilities are capable and enjoy sharing life experiences – listening to
music, playing video games, watching the latest movies, and yes, having fun – as well as working
together toward athletic excellence as they do at Special Olympics. They can attend school, work, drive cars, get married, participate in decisions that affect them, and contribute to society in many ways.
• Special Olympics’ recently completed Multi-National Public Opinion Study of Attitudes toward
People with Intellectual Disabilities, conducted by Gallup, but unfortunately the study reveals that throughout the world, a large percentage of people still believe that people with intellectual
disabilities should be segregated in schools and in the workplace. This is intolerable. We need
massive attitude change now to attack and reverse the stigma that is destructive to the lives of
people with intellectual disabilities and a barrier to growth.
• As a democracy our country values equality and fairness for all citizens. If we reduce this right by using inappropriate words toward any population, it negatively impacts all of us.