Limbo

patience is not a virtue of mine. and let me tell you, it has be TESTED to the maximum this last year or so. i have been patiently waiting around for the hubby to decide he is ready to have enough faith in us to have another baby. he is hung up on all of the what ifs, and allowing his fears and anxiety rule his life. the fear of having another child with a disability is suffocating him. numerous times over the last year and a half, he has decided he is ready to try. and each one of those times, he has backed out on me at the last minute. needless to say the emotional rollercoaster has taken a huge toll on me. i have gone back and forth between the verge of a breakdown and being ok with everything. lately the breakdown seems much closer to reality than it ever has been. we are on the last month of my extended "window" where i ideally want to have another child. i have my list of criteria that has been bent, twisted, seriously modified, in order to go with the flow of his processing. however, i am emotionally done. i dont know how many more months of having my hopes destroyed I can handle. yes, in theory, not getting my hopes up would work. but, in reality, that just isnt possible. i dont function that way. along with patience, this is not a virtue i posses. so, here we are, a few days before Oing, on the last month I really "want" to get pregnant, and i am trying to keep it together. wish me luck. i have a feeling it isnt going to go very well. wishing, hoping, and praying for a revalation for my husband to save my sanity.