Does it ever go away?

The green eyed monster that is. Two coworkers just had perfectly "typical" babies and it makes me so angry, frustrated, jealous, upset, guilty, etc. I get so angry that yet another set of parents gets to have that instant joy and hope that comes with having a typical baby and they don't have to deal with any of the daily struggles I do. It makes me angry and very jealous that I can't just enjoy my child like they do. I have to constantly worry about how to fit in therapy and teaching moments into every second of O's life and sometimes I really resent that. I resent that I can't just play with her with no ulterior motives. I hate that I have to constantly evaluate where she is, how she is doing, and if I am doing enough as her parent. I have to struggle with wanting to do what is best for her vs. allowing her to have a typical childhood. I have to fight and lie my way into getting her the therapies she deserves. I have to keep in the back of my mind all of the possibilities of medical issues that could happen with her. All of these things I resent from time to time, especially when I see someone else experiencing what I want. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, a horrible mom, etc. but that is just how I feel at this moment. Sad, frustrated, angry, and jealous...very jealous. Do these feelings ever go away? Will I ever stop wishing to have someone I know go through what I go through so I have someone to share these things with? Will I ever stop resenting people that "get to have" typical kids that don't appreciate what they have? Will I ever stop looking at every detail of a new baby picture hoping and searching for a sign of DS? I really hope so, cuz this sucks. I really do want to be happy for people and I try my best, but I am just struggling these days.

I do try my best to put it into perspective and realize all of the things that I get that they will miss out on. But, with O struggling to keep up and the delays getting bigger and bigger, I am having a hard time staying positive and keeping things in perspective. I know it could be worse, but I also know it could be "better". Maybe it is just the timing of O's recent evaluations and the need for more therapy at home that I just dont "want" to do right now that is making things worse. Who knows, I just don't like being in this place. I want to be happy with where O is, independent of other kids, when will I get there? When will all of these feelings stop flooding in when someone has a baby?

Ok, pity party/vent over! :)

I guess today is just one of those days

Thought of the day...

"God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people youNEED - To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be."

Before, O, I never would have believed this. Now I know it is the truth.

testing

just checking to see if this mobile blogging thing works. if it does I may actually start blogging more! =) I also attached an adorable pic of the girls to see if that works too! here goes nothing!!

Snow day! Snow day! How about Suck day instead?

So, at what point in our lives did snow days become sucky days? My best estimate is when it no longer became fun and became more work.
When I graduated college and started working in the real world? Work doesnt stop for snow like school does. But I dont think that was the point for me where it started to suck, it was just annoying then.
When I had kids? Nope, don't think that was it either. I would just drop them at daycare and head into work. No problem, just annoying.
When I moved the kids to the fancy, new daycare? ABSOLUTELY!! This is our first official "snow day" where we have nothing to do with our kids. The new daycare has delays and closings for the weather and it SUCKS!!! So, we have decided to split up the day, I work at work in the morning and M goes in this afternoon. I tried to get my work done from home but my laptop is acting screwy and wont connect to what I need it to. So I am stuck here at work rushing to get stuff done so I can be home in time for M to head off to work. This is crap. Don't these daycare people know that the rest of the world has to work? Very annoying and extremely inconvenient. I need every spare vacation day possible with my sicko little kids and this taking off for snow, well it just SUCKS!!!

Emotions

To say I have had a lot of emotions lately is an extreme understatement. My baby girl is a year and a half old today and I can't quite put into words what that time has been like for me. The first few months were a blur of trying to deal with the blindsiding shock of her diagnosis, which in hindsight I didn't handle all that well. But, it was a process I had to go through. I look back through my posts from back then and am in awe of how raw those emotions were. I would be lying if I said they aren't still there, but just further from the surface.
Someone posted on Downsyn (a great support group for parents of kids with Ds) today a question that I cant get out of my mind. "If you could, would you remove the extra chromosome?" I honestly don't know how to answer that. On one hand I love my child more than life itself and wouldn't change a hair on her head. BUT, I also love her so much that I never want her to struggle for anything in her life. I don't want her to have to deal with the horrible people in this world that won't look at her for the amazing child she is, all they will see is the disability. And I know in my heart that it is their loss, I just hope my angel sees it that way too. I don't want her to have to fight and work so hard for every little accomplishment. I don't want her to have anything holding her back from all that she wants out of life. I hope and pray with all my heart that she will always be happy, whatever form that takes. That is all I want for both my girls.
So, enough of that deep shizat. Onto the fabulous news...O took her first real steps over the weekend! Yes, you read that right, steps!!! Two steps between Auntie B and me on Saturday and just kept on doing it. The lunging afterwards was a bit comical too. Today she had her OT apt and walked 20+ feet holding one hand, that is just amazing!! Then she took 4 steps between her teacher and therapist! This kid is unstopable! Soon enough she will be off and running right along her big sis. I can't even begin to explain to anyone who hasn't been there, the overwhelming joy and pride you feel when you know your child has worked so hard for something. It is truly amazing. As of today though, she no longer "qualifies" as being within typical child range (10-18 months) for walking. But, compared to the average age for walking for a child with Ds, 2.5 - 3 years, she is kicking some serious arse! But, I wouldn't expect anything less from my fiesty little one! O also had her apt with her speech teacher today who said her receptive language is right on with where a typical child should be. We do need to work a bit on her expressive though. Although 12 words and 8 signs is pretty darn good if you ask me!!!
And all of this comes on the tail end of my little fireball turning 3! How did that happen? How do I have a 3 year old and a 1.5 year old? And the craziest part is that the urge for the next one is kicking in! Imagine that! Maybe I should seek professional help! LOL I love being a mom more than anything I have ever done in my life, it is amazing and my kids are amazing. As much as they BOTH bring some challenges our way, I wouldn't trade them for the world. Ok, ok, somedays I have considered it! But then they look at me and smile and I melt into a big puddle of mush.
Can you blame me?

And of course a pic of all of the loves of my life...

scratch that last post...

Today is not a day that I am going to have any kind of perspective. I am so far beyond fed up with dealing with sick kids. I would like to go one friggin week without having one of my kids home sick or at the Dr. Honestly, is that really too much to ask? E was home sick Mon & Tues with a bizarre fever and I just got a call from daycare that O has had lose poops and will get sent home with 1 more. that means no daycare for her tomorrow. I could honestly bawl for about an hour. I am just so freaking sick of this non-stop germ infested house!!!
Ok, vent over. I am just not having a good day and I had to crack just a little! ;)

Perspective

I am begining to realize in my old age, of 30, that the key to life is keeping things in perspective.

Like the days I think I am a horrible mother...I realize that there are kids that are much worse off than mine. Like poor little Caylee Anthony who's mom is a monster. Like those moms who live in the city and only have babies for the welfare checks who spend the money on $100 cell phones while their kids sit at home and starve or freeze.

The days I think I have it so bad because I have to deal with Ds with O and urinary reflux with E...I remember the parents with a 2 year old who is fighting Leukemia, the parents whose 2 month old little girl is fighting for her life while the Drs can't fix what is wrong, the mom who lost her baby at 8 months gestation who had to bury him, the parents I know who had to bury 2 children, and on and on.

The days I hate my job, certain coworkers, and the environment I work in...I remember those people who are hard workers who have lost their jobs and are despirately trying to find another one in this horrible economy.

The days I get so frustrated with the heating bills, mortgage payments, and daycare costs...I remember that there are people without homes, who can't afford to heat their homes, and those who can't afford a wonderful daycare like we have.

The days I get so frustrated with living so far away from my family (not that 2 hours is so far, but it feels like it)...I realize that there are people who's familys are gone or they aren't close with them.

I do try my best to not let things get to me, because thanks to O, I have realized that I need to count my blessings and realize that I have it good compared to a lot of other people.