The green eyed monster that is. Two coworkers just had perfectly "typical" babies and it makes me so angry, frustrated, jealous, upset, guilty, etc. I get so angry that yet another set of parents gets to have that instant joy and hope that comes with having a typical baby and they don't have to deal with any of the daily struggles I do. It makes me angry and very jealous that I can't just enjoy my child like they do. I have to constantly worry about how to fit in therapy and teaching moments into every second of O's life and sometimes I really resent that. I resent that I can't just play with her with no ulterior motives. I hate that I have to constantly evaluate where she is, how she is doing, and if I am doing enough as her parent. I have to struggle with wanting to do what is best for her vs. allowing her to have a typical childhood. I have to fight and lie my way into getting her the therapies she deserves. I have to keep in the back of my mind all of the possibilities of medical issues that could happen with her. All of these things I resent from time to time, especially when I see someone else experiencing what I want. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, a horrible mom, etc. but that is just how I feel at this moment. Sad, frustrated, angry, and jealous...very jealous. Do these feelings ever go away? Will I ever stop wishing to have someone I know go through what I go through so I have someone to share these things with? Will I ever stop resenting people that "get to have" typical kids that don't appreciate what they have? Will I ever stop looking at every detail of a new baby picture hoping and searching for a sign of DS? I really hope so, cuz this sucks. I really do want to be happy for people and I try my best, but I am just struggling these days.
I do try my best to put it into perspective and realize all of the things that I get that they will miss out on. But, with O struggling to keep up and the delays getting bigger and bigger, I am having a hard time staying positive and keeping things in perspective. I know it could be worse, but I also know it could be "better". Maybe it is just the timing of O's recent evaluations and the need for more therapy at home that I just dont "want" to do right now that is making things worse. Who knows, I just don't like being in this place. I want to be happy with where O is, independent of other kids, when will I get there? When will all of these feelings stop flooding in when someone has a baby?
Ok, pity party/vent over! :)
I guess today is just one of those days
2 comments:
I know how you feel! My new baby is a little over 1 month. and I have the very same feels its not just you and im hoping to that they will someday go away. But on the up note you have 2 very beautiful girls =)
I found your blog on downsyn.com. I was happy to find since I also have an older daughter and we are the same age. Regarding your post, i think the pain fades away. I knew at 17 weeks of pregnancy and grieved. I didn't want to be around anyone that was pregnant or around babies. I couldn't be happy for them. I am in a different place now. So to answer your question, I think it will always be there but just won't sting as much. Always remember everyone has their own stuggles, their life isn't perfect.
After going through your blog, I saw that your daughter had the diaphragmatic hernia. My dd did also. I was shocked to see this because no one knows about this! She had it repaired at 6 months. Sounds like your daughter is doing great, above most. Don't stress about the therapy. I used to and have let it go. They will do it when the are ready. At least you know that your dd is doing way above. You can relax. Thanks for sharing!
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