My church does what is called a Testament of Faith. Almost every Sunday someone gets up and talks about their faith. Since mine was severely in question for a while after finding out about O's condition and I was able to find my way back, I thought it would be perfect for me to do one for her baptism on Sunday. Please let me know what you think.
It is March 22nd and we have just found out that we are having our second baby girl. We are so excited and can’t wait to meet her. We have had the genetic testing and now the detailed ultrasound which have both told us that our baby girl is perfect in every way. Now all there is to do is start shopping and pick out a name. In the months that followed we found our perfect home and moved in. Our jobs were going well, our oldest daughter was a little angel, and we had the home we always wanted. In short, our life was perfect. M and I were feeling like we were on top of the world and couldn’t wait for our new bundle of joy to arrive. Really, how blessed could 2 people be?
It is now July 26th ~ I have been wanting this baby to arrive ASAP even though she isn’t due until August 8th. Around 430 the contractions had gotten pretty strong and steady and by 630 we were at the hospital. They put us into a room immediately and started setting up for her birth. Before we knew it, it was time to push. 9 pushes and she was out, she was almost in as much of a hurry to be born as I was to have her. She was born at 9:32 pm and was 6 lbs, 5 ½ ounces and 20 ½ inches long. It took us over a half an hour to agree to her name…O Lynn it is. Lynn after my mom Linda and her Auntie Nikki who’s middle name is also Lynn. After a rough night sharing a room with another mom, since the hospital was so full, we were anxious for E to meet her little sister so my parents brought her in. She wasn’t too sure about what was going on but made sure she checked out O really well before she was off running the halls again. While my parents were still there, our pediatrician came in to check out O. M and I sat there beaming at what an adorable baby girl we had. As we were waiting to hear the “she is perfect” report, we heard something totally different instead. The Dr. turned to us and said “I think O has Down Syndrome” and in that second, our perfect little world fell apart. The thought of our child having anything wrong with her had never crossed our minds. We know nothing about Down Syndrome and the worst case scenarios are going through our minds. Will our child ever walk? Talk? Live independently? We aren’t the kind of people that can raise a child with special needs. How could this happen to us, to our child? The genetic tests gave us one in 5,200 odds against this! Why us? What did we do to deserve this? How could God let this happen? Is there a God? I don’t see how there could be.
Over the next few days and weeks we began to truly doubt the existence of God. How could there be a God that would allow this kind of thing to happen to a child? Something that would never allow her to live a normal life. How could a God exist that would bring something into our lives that would make us not able to love our own child? That is what we struggled with the most, it felt like someone had come in and taken our child and replaced it with an imposter. This is not the child we had planned and so far our lives have gone according to plan. We didn't want her, we wanted to give her back, put her up for adoption, or just leave her at the hospital. We had always said that we would never be able to be good parents to a child with special needs and in the severe depression that followed the news, we were sure she would be better off elsewhere. Our family and friends were a great support system in those dark days and still are. Every time I looked into that sweet face, all I could see was the Down Syndrome. One microscopic thing that changed who I was and made this child of mine seem like a total stranger to me. I found it extremely hard to bond with her or to even care about her. I would never neglect a child, but the emotion wasn't there like it was for E and I felt so guilty for that. So day after day I would go through the motions of taking care of this child and wondering if and when I would be able to see her and love her. There would be momentary glimpses of what that felt like but they never lasted long. Every time I would look at her or watch her do something cute and adorable, all I could think was what it meant in the grand scheme of her DS plagued life.
And then it came, the day where I could finally look at my beautiful little girl and actually enjoy the adorable faces she would make without any DS thoughts. And now I know that her life is not plagued by DS, it is just something that is part of who she is. And I am finally able to love her for who she is and forget about that little extra something she has. It is and always will be in the back of my mind because it will always drive what we do with her throughout her life, but it will never again be the first and only thing I see. I have the most beautiful, amazing little baby, and I am so glad that I can finally see that. I still have my bad days, but I think that can be expected with any child. I now have a totally different definition of “Normal” in my heart and I know that O will have a normal life. She will have successes and failures just like any child. And her successes will be so much more rewarding because we will know all that she has had to overcome to achieve them. And she is surprising everyone on a daily basis with all of the amazing things she is doing. Her therapist cant get over how fabulous she is doing, she is right on target with her milestones with where a typical child should be. She truly is an amazing little girl.
My mom always said something to me that didn’t really hit home until recently. “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it” and he certainly did. After the dark days passed I began to see the reason God gave us this child. In her short 4 months of life, she has taught everyone that knows her or us very important lessons. I had always told M that if I only teach my children one thing I want it to be acceptance of people for who they are. To never judge someone by their appearance or beliefs and most of all to never make fun of someone that they see as different from them. In her short life, O has already taught so many people that lesson and will continue to every day of her life. She has also taught me the true meaning of unconditional love and allowed me to find the strength I have within myself that I never thought existed. This has allowed me to become closer to everyone in my life and see people for who they truly are by their reaction to our news. I have a new appreciation and love for our family and friends who stood by us and supported us in those dark days and even today. She has allowed me to fall in love with M all over again for what an amazing husband, father and man he is. I am so lucky to have such an amazing man standing by my side no matter what happens in our lives. I thought my life was perfect before but I never realized all that it was missing. And by O having one extra little chromosome, our lives have taken a different path than we expected. And yet another favorite saying of my mom’s fits here too “different isn’t wrong or bad, it is just different.” I am truly blessed to have the life that I have and I owe it to God for choosing it for me because I never would have picked it on my own, and look at all I would be missing.
All I ask from all of you is that the next time you see someone with any kind of disability, please look at them for their abilities not their disabilities. You will be very surprised at what you see, they are more like you and I than you would have guessed. And trust in God that he knows what he is doing, even if you think He is out of His mind at the time.
I also want to thank everyone who stood by us and helped us through this horrible period of our lives, we never could have made it through without your neverending love and support.
Finally, I would like to end with the Serenity Prayer because it has gotten me through so many tough times, especially this most recent struggle…”God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Amen.
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